anyway so the other different thing was that church was super big - there were like a thousand people there, maybe, and i was thinking wow, i guess there's not really much chance for community when there's this many people and i mentioned it to aunt sam and she said that they did home groups, and i actually thought that was kind of cool so i asked if i could go to hers adn she got all excited and said sure. so the home group met at her house on wednesdays or whatever and i went and it was so awkward and horrible, because we all sat in this circle and then we had to go around and say our names, which was okay i guess, but then before i could even say my name aunt sam put her arm around me and was like, "this is my niece, she is struggling with some real demons and we're just so glad she's here today to feel the spirit of jesus with us." OH MY GOD KILL ME NOW. i turned like bright red and couldn't even look at anybody. anyway we did this bible study and it was even worse somehow. i can't quite remember the chapter and verse but we had chosen this passage from the gospel of john and it was that "i am the way, the truth, and the life" and everyone ended up talking about all the people they'd "saved", like either going door to door or just handing out flyers and stuff. then we spent some time in prayer for people we knew, which again started out okay - like some woman's sister was inthe hospital for some tests and this other lady's daughter had had a miscarriage or whatever so it was good to pray for them, but then aunt sam asked everyone to pray FOR ME and asked for healing and then everyone fracking stuck their hands out and TOUCHED me. and then i got in huge trouble because when they took their hands back i stood up and stormed out, hahaha! i coudl hear everyone just kind of glossing over it but later aunt sam came into my room and asked me why i hadn't accepted the love of jesus from the group, and i was like, "i didn't know everyone was going to TOUCH me, i didn't give anyone permission to do that!" (although i'll admit to you guys that my language was definitely not that polite, heh heh). so she got all huffy and scolded me for swearing, and then said that if i didn't open up i would never be healed and i was like, "healed from what?! from being crazy?" and she turned all red and then walked away, and later uncle cy came in and got all pissy with me for making her cry. i was like, "it's not my fault she's sad that i'm crazy," and he was like, "stop saying that, you're not crazy, you're just confused, you need to let yourself be washed in the blood of jesus and put your fears on the cross with him!" and then...um...well, i hit him.
wow i can't believe i actually typed that. i would say i'm glad Mom doesn't read this but i think she knows anyway although she hasn't said anything, haha, she's probably proud of me. anyway, it wasn't hard or anything, i just slapped him on the face. both of stood there for a second and i could tell neither of us could quite believe what had just happened! for a second i was positive he would hit me back, but he didn't, he just turned around and walked away. i didn't see him for the rest of the night, and that was okay by me!
what sucked though was that when he picked me up from school the next day we were driving and i noticed that we weren't driving home so i was like, "where are we going?" and i saw we were going to their church so i was like, "what the hell are we doing here?" and he parked and opened my door. i was like, "i'm not going in there!" and he just reached out and grabbed my arm and fracking dragged me through the door and into the pastor's office! then he left and it was just me and the pastor. i felt really awkward but the pastor kept his door open whicyh was considerate i guess. the pastor's name was terry and he asked me if i had anything weighing on my mind that i would like to share. hahahaha so i just sat there with my arms folded looking at him. he was like, "this is a safe place, you can tell me anything." and i was so sick of everyone telling me this - because i've heard it like forty thousand times in the last year or so - that i just flipped out you guys, i screamed "you know what my problem is? idiots like you and my uncle cyrus. you spend all your time telling me to just nail my problems up next to jesus or give them over to god or whatever, and why? because you don't want to spend two seconds giving me any real advice or healing or whatever. if god made me crazy then i guess i'm going to be crazy forever and everyone had just better fracking accept it, because i already have. i don't have a fracking choice." and to his credit he actually looked really sad when i said that. so i started to soften up a little bit, and i was jsut about to apologize for my language, but then he said, "it breaks my heart to hear you say god made you like that. god would never inflict suffering on you. the fight is difficult but i know personally that the devil can be beaten by prayer and your community and a christian family that loves you."
hahahahah well that was it for me. i was wearing a long-sleeved shirt, and i nearly tore off the sleeves pulling them up to show him my scars. i was like, "you know what, a$$hole?! the devil didn't do this to me. I did it, okay?! the only devil i know is the one that's sitting in front of me, and the one that's waiting for me in the car, the one that dragged me in here. you're the ones with problems, not me. i didn't ask for this, but this is who i am and i'm the one who has to live like this. don't pray for me - pray for yourselves. pray that you'll come into the understanding that i've come into. pray to be set free from judgement. that's the devil that you're dealing with."
HAHAHAHAHA his eyes were like dinner plates, i think he thought i was going to sprout horns or something! so i stormed out and i was right, uncle cy was waiting in the car and for god's sakes he'd gone to mcdonalds while i was in there! he had milkshakes for both of us and everything. as we drove away he asked me how it was and i was like, "lordy lordy i've been saved, uncle sah-rus! every single problem ah's ever had done been warshed away in the blood o' jay-sus!" he was so pissed when i said that, he didn't say another word on the way home.
anyway i got to come home the next day so that was good. mom got me the greatest hat, i'm wearing it in my new profile pic - it just says "jesus christ" on it, hahah. i didn't feel like telling mom the whole story because i knew she would blow her fracking stack and she's been stressed out enough as it is, so i just said that i really didn't want to go back there if we could avoid it so we made an agreement that next time i'll stay with her friend clara who's like this super cool ex-nun, she's awesome. :)
wow i just looked back over this entry and it's super-intense! i don't want you guys to worry - especially st. jude's folks. i'll balance out this entry with a quick re-cap of my last bible study, which was back at ol' st. jude's. even though sometimes youth group is kinda awkward, that last session was really great, major props to phil for sharing soem super sad news, it was a real honour, dude, i'll keep up the prayers big time for your family back home. the best part though was near the end, reverend iscariot asked if anyone wanted to share anything, and rice was like, "oh, we haven't heard from the new person!" and for like two seconds i was like, "aigh, girl, way to single me out!" but then anna was sitting next to me and she says, "i like you," like really quietly, and i turned to her and then i looked at rice and she just had this big beautiful smile, and she was like, "i like you too!" hahaha and it sounds so weird to say or think about but it made me feel so good, it had been a really long time since i'd had a moment like that, so thanks guys, you made it so much better.
next time we meet we're going to be working on these crazy masks for a youth-led service we're doing, it's gonna be fun! can't wait...
so glad to be home.
-'shua
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