family = @_@

couldn't go to bible study or church last week and it made me le sad. :( i had to go all the way out to golden to visit the grandparents. i was looking forward to having some time alone with them and stuff but then uncle cyrus and aunt samantha came over and it was le suck. those two are so in-your-face hardcore christian. aunt sam tries so hard to pretend to be nice but i hate it. she just spends all her time really sweetly criticizing me, and then uncle cy goes and drags mom into another corner and asks her all these stupid questions about me, like am i taking medicine and how that's so wrong and she should just let the lord go to work in my life and i will be healed, and i must not be praying hard enough and neither is she if i'm still "tormented." yeah uncle cy, thanks, i guess it's all my fault i'm being "tormented by demons" or whatever the frack. ugh he sucks. and all the while aunt sam is like "don't you think you should grow your hair out, you're not going to get any dates looking like that, sweetheart" or like "you're so beautiful but you hide it, why don't you put on some makeup and show off a little?" why don't you leave the goddamn hell alone?! last time we saw them mom actually got into like a huge shouting match with uncle cy, it was kind of funny. they were in the other room but i could still totally hear then, he was like, "those drugs aren't going to fix her brain, the doctors just want your money," and mom's trying to be all nice, and then uncle cy's like, "all she needs is some time with the lord and some faith healing," and mom's like, "oh, that's right, like the faith healing that cured her father of his sleeping around!" and uncle cy just shut right the frack up, HAHAHAHAHA. i started laughing and aunt sam got all tight-lipped. anyway, then mom really let go and just let uncle cy have it and he was all like, "aw, come on, that's not fair..." and mom's like, "neither is you telling me how to raise my child! raise your own kid!" which is funny because my cousin is like seven years older than me and he just ran off to join the army. they were so happy when he did that. god i wanna barf.
anyway, i really wrote this so i could share this cool website i found: http://www.twloha.com/
i think i'll buy a tshirt or something. you should too.
-'shua

so much dumb :p

like the new picture? mom took it after sprucing up the blue in my hair a little.
this week has been so long and horrible. i feel like i barely even had time to pee yesterday! i had to get up super early and head to the clinic to have yet another stupid blood test, and it took so long i was almost late for class. then i got to class and the teacher gave me this huge stinkeye and made me stay after class until i got a chance to show her my doctor's note. she was super bitchy about it and then got mad because i responded to her bitchiness with...erm...snippiness. :p at least i didn't say any bad words this time.
anyway then i had gym. >>>>:( at least today people ignored me. that blonde skank from last week was sick or something so no-one was constantly asking me why i didn't shave my legs. we had basketball, which i usually like, but i was just so low energy i barely even bothered to move.
at lunch some jackass threw an empty juicebox at me as soon as i sat down with my food so i took my lunch back to my locker and sat there until the idiot from my last post walked by, halle-fracking-lujah. he just stood there cackling and asking me who i was taking to the dance. i wanted to stand up and kick him in the nuts but i didn't bother. i just walked away. he ran after me for a little while and finally i just turned around and stared at him. that got him to shut up and walk away. it was kind of funny, because we stood there for a while, and i started to think that maybe he would hit me or something. but instead he turned around and he actually looked nervous! i almost laughed out loud.
anyway joke was on me because i ended up outside in the drizzle by the gym eating my sandwich and shivering.
after lunch i have math class which i hate more than pretty much anything ever, especially 'cause i'm in like "beginner" math or whatever it is - math for dumbasses like me, and for lazy dorks who just make fun of the teacher for an hour. i sit at the back with this cute goth chick who never says a word but seems to like me anyway because she used to sit on the other side of the room but switched and started sitting next to me as soon as i started school here. i kind of like how quiet she is compared to the other primates people in class so i haven't engaged her in any conversation yet. heh, "freaks of a feather".
got tons of homework, should stop writing.
i haven't been back to bible study yet but i'm going again for sure. this weekend i probably can't, i've got an appointment with dr. liz. :p
-'shua

if wishes were fishes

 here's my new friend from last Sunday. i went back to bible study the other day and phil was taking pictures.
there's not really anything new to report for today. it was a Friday. the week kinda sucked, actually. School was mostly just boring - and the parts that weren't boring were gross. some stupid dicktard in my chemistry class started passing me mean notes asking me when i was going to stop trying to pass for a girl. i sent the first one back with a snarky reply even though i knew i shouldn't have bothered. i guess that set him off, because when class was over he followed me out muttering mean things behind my back. i gotta say i wished for a second that cam was there, heh heh.
anyway, i went into the bathroom and waited until the bell rang to leave and go to my next class. when i came out he was already gone. i have literally no friends at school. :/
oh well. mom was out running errands so i parked myself on the couch and watched tv with popcorn. it was pretty nice.
got to work on my essay now.
i'd rather read.

stupid people :p

i pretty much ran all the way home after church on sunday, i almost friggin' died. mom wasn't home so i went into my room and cranked manson right the frack up to infinity and just headbanged and jumped around for like two hours. i thought my new meds might be messing with me but i actually think it was just what i heard at church. i got so pissed off i actually left right after communion and i didn't say "amen" after the sermon! i wondered if someone would notice and glare at me but no-one did.
there was this guest preacher from some other parish preaching today and preached on mark 8:31-38 and i really didn't like it. the guy basically said that jesus gets mad at us when we put humanly desires ahead of heavenly ones, like sleeping in on sunday and not coming to church! he said that if we didn't come to church then we were denying the importance of jesus' redeeming death for our sins and shouldn't dare to call ourselves christians. i kept looking around the church thinking "really people?!" the whole time, and it broke my heart because so many people looked uncomfortable. but that wasn't even the worst part!! so he started going off against people who don't fully conform to the christian lifestyle (whatever the frack that means) and he got so jazzed up that he started waving his hands around. and suddenly i'm like, "what the hell is that blinding me?" and he was wearing a ROLEX WATCH. i swear to god it was a genuine rolex, or maybe like an imitation or something, but either way it was expensive as hell, i could tell just by looking at it. i got so mad when i saw that i almost stood up and screamed, "get out of here, you hypocrite!" i was totally ready to do it, too!! but then i didn't because someone came and slid into the seat next to me. it was this guy i remember from youth group - i think his name was cam or something. he's tall and gangly and kind of cute in a nerdy sort of way. anyway he sat next to me and he got these really nasty looks from the old ladies in the pew behind us, probably for being late, and he looked really embarrassed and awkward, so i decided to stay seated and shut up so i wouldn't make him want to die from shame or something. :p anyway, i kept quiet and the idiot in the pulpit shut up and then we went on with the rest of the service. cam has a really nice singing voice.
anyway, so now i'm at home and i've switched manson for birthday massacre and i feel a bit better. check that - i'm a lot better, it's fried chicken night. catch you guys later.

late night ponderings

hey so can't stay up too late because i've got to go back to borstal school tomorrow and i need to be there early to study for some quiz that i forgot about. also, also, i'm not studying right now because poo on you that's why. ;)
i thought i'd post though about st. judes youth group. i attended today for the first time. the priest is all right i guess although he was rocking this crazy denim priest's shirt, it made me giggle a little. he looked so down homey with his beard and the denim shirt that you could just die.
so i met a few new people. it was kind of funny, there were like three guys but then like seven or eight girls. kind of an odd balance. we talked about the parable of the guy who pays all the vineyard workers the same wage even though they all come to work at different times. i remember i used to find that parable really confusing but these days i actually find it kind of a relief! i guess i think it's good to know that we're not being judged by god on our abilities or even our suitability but simply by god's own merits which we might not understand. i'm even okay not understanding. considering the culture we live in where people are always hating on others for getting welfare or whatever when they "don't deserve it" i think it's a relief to know that god looks out for people like that. maybe we're called to look at things in a different way, like we're all beloved or whatever.
it's funny i should be writing this because i felt like there were moments where people definitely weren't remembering that we're all beloved! more and more i'm coming into the sense that this is really hard for people to understand. like there was this one girl, lucy, who showed up late to bible study, and when she came in the priest totally called her on it in like the most embarrassing way possible - he was like, "welcome. what time do we start bible study?" and everyone goes, "one-thirty!" she looked like she wanted to melt right through the floor, i felt so bad for her. and the worst part was the priest didn't even seem to notice. he just kept going on with his work. or later these two girls rice and jenna were getting snippy with each other. rice is kind of a firecracker - i really like it - but i got the sense that afterward she was really hurt and was trying not to show it. oh and when they were fighting there was another girl sitting in between them and they were just fighting around her, and she REALLY looked like she wanted to melt into the floor.
as i think about all this stuff, though, i seemed to feel this profound sense, when i was there, that all of them didn't want it to be like that. even though the priest was kind of not paying attention to people's feelings, he seemed really interested in what all of us thought about the text. and even though people were having weird hissy fits at each other or whatever, i felt like all of them were searching for something beyond themselves. god it looks so hokey when i write it though. i feel my old cynicism creeping in again but this time i'm not going to listen to it. for the first time i feel like i'm somewhere for a reason. i don't know what the reason is, though. i guess it doesn't matter for now.
i'm going for sure next sunday too.

moving right along...

 hey so we moved. that's why i missed my last post 'cause we've been packing since wednesday and actually moved out on friday. i don't have any friends to miss or anything so i guess i'm pretty stoked to be here.
 ummmm what else? actually the fact that i'm home at all is newsworthy. i got discharged from the psych ward like a week and a half ago, which is nice. mom cooked me lamb chops the first night i was home, sweeeeeeet. it was kind of weird to be back in my own room again. i took down a whole bunch of posters and stuff tho', it didn't seem to fit with me anymore. i threw out a ton of my old clothes too. i guess it was kind of like a purge so i could get a fresh start. it was weird to talk and eat too, i haven't mentioned that part. there were like thirty or forty days or something in the hospital where i stopped talking. i don't know why i just didn't feel like it. there was nothing to say. it sounds totally psycho when i write it but it was true. i didn't really eat anything either, like i drank juice and stuff but that was about it. the doctors were mad at me for a while but eventually they just piled vitamins on me because they had more important things to worry about.
 hmmmm let's talk about something else, shall we? ummmmm oh yeah i actually went to church on sunday, can you believe that! mom and i stopped going to st. aidans like two years ago because they switched priests and the new guy was a jerk. so on saturday night i was looking up stuff to do in the area online and i found st. judes and thought i'd check it out so i did. mom didn't feel like getting up so i went by myself, thankfully it's not far. i went and sat at the very back. it's a really nice church and there were a lot of young people there, i was pretty surprised. i kept the program with me and it said there's a youth group that meets to do bible study and other stuff. i guess i might join. i'm feeling kind of shy right now or maybe gun-shy from my old school. in case you hadn't figured it out we moved cause people at my old school were being evil mofos and mom works from home now so it wasn't a big deal to move. i think this new house is cheaper too and way bigger. my room is like six times the size of my old one. right now it has almost nothing in it except grandma's old icons and like fifty dozen stubby candles i ganked from the chapel shed the last time i was at artaban like a trillion years ago.
 okay so i've rambled on long enough, i should probably get to some of this homework. so far no-one at school has punched me. a girl can have dreams i guess.
 see ya later.
-'shua