let there be light!

Whoa, another super long break since I posted! So sorry guys, i've been really busy with school, there have been like a million tests and essays due, and then mom got this nasty infection and needed some help around the house so i got to play nursemaid for a while. actually kind of fun! :)
 so...tomorrow's the st. jude's sleepover. i'm so stoked you guys, it's kind of weird. this whole week has been a weird one, in fact. something is stirring within me, something huge. i feel like there's this gigantic bubble that wants to pop out of my mouth, and it's crazy what's inside it.
 i was thinking about some really bad stuff i went through a while ago, and a promise i made to my mom before going into the hospital. i started to think about other people that never got a chance to make that promise, either because they had given up or were too scared or didn't have anyone to make a promise to. it made me so sad i wanted to cry for hours, just thinking about all the people who felt lost and alone and like no one cared about them - people with scars on the outside, like mine, or worse yet, scars on the inside, which might heal better than mine but are pretty much impossible to fully recover from.
 come to think of it, i guess everyone carries these scars around with them. sometimes when i'm with everyone at youth group i feel like i can see the scars that are lurking underneath. they almost glow - and some glow brighter on some people than on others. it's really strange and kind of beautiful because even though seeing the scars breaks my heart, it also is kind of a good thing because it makes it impossible to hate or feel really angry toward any of them. even jenna, who can be so snarky sometimes, seems to radiate this amazing light that's sadness and anger all mixed up into one - or alex, who tries so hard to be cool and funny at the same time, has this crazy bouncing energy that cries out to be noticed and remembered out of fear of being forgotten. the problem is that sometimes other things get in the way. the light is like the good way of dealing with the emotions trying to break through, and everyone's pushing down the light. OH like hiding it under a bushel! maybe that's what that parable means.
 some people, though, let so much light through, and i can tell that some of them are happy too and some of them are afraid to. rice is like some nutty supernova star, but i feel like sometimes she wants to burn through everything until all the darkness is gone for good, no matter what happens or what it was sheltering - good or bad. cam and lucy seem to radiate a blinding sadness and i get the sense that both of them find it embarrassing and want to cover it up. sonora and laura are both wide open spaces - like meadows and blue sky waiting for the next change in weather to ruffle their flowers. christie and anna both seem to drink everything in with big eyes - as much as they can - while edmund and phil sit by and wait to see if it's safe before venturing out. and of course all of us are watched over by rev'd iscariot, who has lots of light too, but seems to push it down himself out of some strange fear. this weird little voice in my head tells me that his light is due for a huge surge of electricity soon. for some reason this thought is very ominous to me, not sure why.
 haha whoa i just did like a lame-ass psychological profile on everyone. it's probably not even true by a long shot. what a crazy string of nonsense - i feel like i wasn't even paying attention to what i was typing.
 i'm not sure what it is that's being born in me, but it's something big. i feel like there's a light in me too and everyone will be able to see it. but it doesn't scare me. i want it to come out. it's the same feeling that i talked about in one of those videos, but better - instead of wanting to force the nothingness out, i want to allow the light to burst forth. i want to share it with everyone.
 god this sounds so insane but i can't stop thinking about it. i feel like i've discovered the key to absolutely everything - every life - and i feel so stupid for not having seen it before. i feel like it's always been a part of who i am and i've just been searching for it all this time, but now i have it.
 haha but what is it?! i feel like it's pointless and ridiculous to say it or think about it on my own. this is something that MUST be shared. yes!!!! i feel like running around outside in the dark and screaming at the top of my lungs: "do you know what has been done for you - what WILL be done for you, and through no action of your own? do you know what you are, who you are? do you know how precious you are? do you know what you should do in love, gladness and gratitude because of this great news?"
 i feel like i won't be able to sleep tonight. i want to share this with my new friends so badly.
 i love them all.
 i can't wait for tomorrow.
-'shua

cut scenes

This is Phil. 'Shua let me post here because she wanted you all to see the videos the chief priests asked us to cut from the St. Jude's blog. Thanks for letting me guest post; your blog is the best!

not thrones and crowns

hey guys, back again.
so i got all excited because phil posted a video of the awesome conversation i had with youth group peeps on the st. jude's youth group website (which is here) but when i watched it i saw that there was a whole bunch of stuff missing from our talk. i looked at an earlier post and it looks like the priests watched it before it got posted - they must have told phil to cut a bunch of it.
i felt sooo mixed up when i saw it, you guys, first i thought i was mad and wanted to wreak some havoc, but then i just felt sad, like a sadness that was bottomless. i was like, "what the hell is everyone so afraid of? it's like uncle cyrus all over again! no one wants to talk about real life, what the frack?!"
so then i just felt mixed up and lonely and i felt myself starting to crawl back into the place i'd been before like i went into the psych ward, so i sat and prayed for like two hours, just listening to tool and rocking back and forth trying to clear my head. sounds crazy, but still better than the ways i used to deal with it.
anyway, i felt better later and then i decided to check my email and found something awesome: phil had sent me the full video - like, the pre-cut one!!!!!! so i sat there watching it and thought, well what the hell is stopping me from doing what i want with it? i thought about asking the others but i changed my mind because this is just way to important and besides they didn't really say anything that i thought they wouldn't want to share, it was just me. i didn't even really "disclose" anything or whatever, it was just a really great talk. i don't know what the hell the chief priests were all pissed about...
anyway, i've asked phil to post the videos here - you can check them out.

thanks everyone, and shalom.

try and stop me from telling the truth, satan. i dare you.
-'shua