let there be light!

Whoa, another super long break since I posted! So sorry guys, i've been really busy with school, there have been like a million tests and essays due, and then mom got this nasty infection and needed some help around the house so i got to play nursemaid for a while. actually kind of fun! :)
 so...tomorrow's the st. jude's sleepover. i'm so stoked you guys, it's kind of weird. this whole week has been a weird one, in fact. something is stirring within me, something huge. i feel like there's this gigantic bubble that wants to pop out of my mouth, and it's crazy what's inside it.
 i was thinking about some really bad stuff i went through a while ago, and a promise i made to my mom before going into the hospital. i started to think about other people that never got a chance to make that promise, either because they had given up or were too scared or didn't have anyone to make a promise to. it made me so sad i wanted to cry for hours, just thinking about all the people who felt lost and alone and like no one cared about them - people with scars on the outside, like mine, or worse yet, scars on the inside, which might heal better than mine but are pretty much impossible to fully recover from.
 come to think of it, i guess everyone carries these scars around with them. sometimes when i'm with everyone at youth group i feel like i can see the scars that are lurking underneath. they almost glow - and some glow brighter on some people than on others. it's really strange and kind of beautiful because even though seeing the scars breaks my heart, it also is kind of a good thing because it makes it impossible to hate or feel really angry toward any of them. even jenna, who can be so snarky sometimes, seems to radiate this amazing light that's sadness and anger all mixed up into one - or alex, who tries so hard to be cool and funny at the same time, has this crazy bouncing energy that cries out to be noticed and remembered out of fear of being forgotten. the problem is that sometimes other things get in the way. the light is like the good way of dealing with the emotions trying to break through, and everyone's pushing down the light. OH like hiding it under a bushel! maybe that's what that parable means.
 some people, though, let so much light through, and i can tell that some of them are happy too and some of them are afraid to. rice is like some nutty supernova star, but i feel like sometimes she wants to burn through everything until all the darkness is gone for good, no matter what happens or what it was sheltering - good or bad. cam and lucy seem to radiate a blinding sadness and i get the sense that both of them find it embarrassing and want to cover it up. sonora and laura are both wide open spaces - like meadows and blue sky waiting for the next change in weather to ruffle their flowers. christie and anna both seem to drink everything in with big eyes - as much as they can - while edmund and phil sit by and wait to see if it's safe before venturing out. and of course all of us are watched over by rev'd iscariot, who has lots of light too, but seems to push it down himself out of some strange fear. this weird little voice in my head tells me that his light is due for a huge surge of electricity soon. for some reason this thought is very ominous to me, not sure why.
 haha whoa i just did like a lame-ass psychological profile on everyone. it's probably not even true by a long shot. what a crazy string of nonsense - i feel like i wasn't even paying attention to what i was typing.
 i'm not sure what it is that's being born in me, but it's something big. i feel like there's a light in me too and everyone will be able to see it. but it doesn't scare me. i want it to come out. it's the same feeling that i talked about in one of those videos, but better - instead of wanting to force the nothingness out, i want to allow the light to burst forth. i want to share it with everyone.
 god this sounds so insane but i can't stop thinking about it. i feel like i've discovered the key to absolutely everything - every life - and i feel so stupid for not having seen it before. i feel like it's always been a part of who i am and i've just been searching for it all this time, but now i have it.
 haha but what is it?! i feel like it's pointless and ridiculous to say it or think about it on my own. this is something that MUST be shared. yes!!!! i feel like running around outside in the dark and screaming at the top of my lungs: "do you know what has been done for you - what WILL be done for you, and through no action of your own? do you know what you are, who you are? do you know how precious you are? do you know what you should do in love, gladness and gratitude because of this great news?"
 i feel like i won't be able to sleep tonight. i want to share this with my new friends so badly.
 i love them all.
 i can't wait for tomorrow.
-'shua

cut scenes

This is Phil. 'Shua let me post here because she wanted you all to see the videos the chief priests asked us to cut from the St. Jude's blog. Thanks for letting me guest post; your blog is the best!

not thrones and crowns

hey guys, back again.
so i got all excited because phil posted a video of the awesome conversation i had with youth group peeps on the st. jude's youth group website (which is here) but when i watched it i saw that there was a whole bunch of stuff missing from our talk. i looked at an earlier post and it looks like the priests watched it before it got posted - they must have told phil to cut a bunch of it.
i felt sooo mixed up when i saw it, you guys, first i thought i was mad and wanted to wreak some havoc, but then i just felt sad, like a sadness that was bottomless. i was like, "what the hell is everyone so afraid of? it's like uncle cyrus all over again! no one wants to talk about real life, what the frack?!"
so then i just felt mixed up and lonely and i felt myself starting to crawl back into the place i'd been before like i went into the psych ward, so i sat and prayed for like two hours, just listening to tool and rocking back and forth trying to clear my head. sounds crazy, but still better than the ways i used to deal with it.
anyway, i felt better later and then i decided to check my email and found something awesome: phil had sent me the full video - like, the pre-cut one!!!!!! so i sat there watching it and thought, well what the hell is stopping me from doing what i want with it? i thought about asking the others but i changed my mind because this is just way to important and besides they didn't really say anything that i thought they wouldn't want to share, it was just me. i didn't even really "disclose" anything or whatever, it was just a really great talk. i don't know what the hell the chief priests were all pissed about...
anyway, i've asked phil to post the videos here - you can check them out.

thanks everyone, and shalom.

try and stop me from telling the truth, satan. i dare you.
-'shua

just youthin' around

hey i'm back again. i had the best day ever yesterday. i got to get up and go back to st. jude's instead of that other stupid gross church and this time mom came with me! she met with rev'd iscariot and they seemed to get along okay, i guess. i don't think she told him anything about me, like about me being crazy or anything, heh, so i guess he's in for a surprise. it was good to have such a nice day 'cause i think i was cycling again, feeling pretty low or whatever. i felt quiet but kind of mellow, guess my new meds are giving me a nice buzz.

so at coffee hour as mom and rev'd iscariot were talking i asked if i could go up the youth room and they said sure so i went up and some people were hanging out so i joined them. i realized as i got up there that i hadn't really introduced myself to them properly yet; i had been pretty quiet the last couple of times i'd been there. not everybody was there that day - i think just alex, sonora, anna, phil, laura, and rice. we were all hanging out and phil took a bunch of photos. then rice started doing this project rev'd iscariot asked her to do, he asked her to film some little videos of us talking about god. i was feeling kind of weird at that point; the youth room is really cool, all these words and things have been painted on the walls and i was reading them. i don't really remember all of what they said but they seemed almost to be, like, pulsing on the wall, like, read me, read me and inwardly digest my meaning. god, it sounds so crazy, you guys must think i'm a TOTAL freak.

anyway, while i was wandering around i heard the others sort of talking about me; phil was like, "what's she doing?" and laura goes, "i don't think she's really checked out the youth room before," and then she came right over and was like, "hey, you want to hang out?" she's got these big brown eyes that sparkle when she smiles - i felt like a little kid getting her first valentine. so i was like, "okay," and i went to sit with them.
so rice filmed a bunch and then turned the camera over to alex, who was being his usual slightly-adorable-slightly-obnoxious self, heh. he turned it on me and asked me what i thought about god. phil was like, "yeah, you're always talking about god." i was still feeling kind of loopy but it was...i don't know, a different kind of loopy? hahahaha so nuts, i don't know what that means. it just felt different, i felt clearer somehow. even my dry mouth went away. i started trying to explain about how i thought god was everywhere, and even in the bad places. and it was so amazing, you guys, i felt like the whole world had gone still and every angel in all of existence had stopped time and were all looking at this one room with all of us in it. it felt just like...well, i'll takl about that part later, maybe. :) i guess it's worth sharing since i felt like i actually made some friends yesterday. anyway i got invited to this sleepover they're having at the end of may and i guess i'll go. it sounds like fun. i'll catch you guys later, you really made my week. :) -'shua

hey it's good to be back home again

 Whoa it's been like a million years since i posted. i've had a bunch of schoolwork lately and then Mom went to do some work in Maui so i had to stay with uncle cyrus and aunt samantha AARRGGGH. i stayed in my cousin jake's room, it was full of video game and girlie posters and even though they'd cleaned it i could totally still smell like the ghost of gym socks past. GROSS. for a while i couldn't go to st. jude's either because i was stuck going to uncle cy and aunt sam's church, christ's blood church or something, super creepy. i hated it. it was in this ugly-ass auditorium with this praise band, *barf* they were actually a pretty talented group but even talent can't make praise music listen-able (yes i made up a word - sue me). i've never really listened to praise music in depth before but i really got a chance to and holy crap it was pissing me off by the end. i was just noticing the themes that keep coming up and they SUCK you guys, it's all about redemption and personal salvation but there's nothing in there about what you're supposed to DO with this awesome thing that's happened to you, like how you're supposed to treat your fellow man human beings (they use super gender exclusive language too, i hated that) now that you've been saved. oh and i was thinking just this second that they also never say anything about creation - like at st. jude's we'll sometimes sing stuff like "all creatures of our god and king" or "all things bright and beautiful" or "fairest lord jesus" or whatever that actually talks about nature and creation and how god moves in that too, but we never sang about that at this church. i told mom about it and she taught me this awesome new word - anthropocentric (sp?) it's like when you focus too much on people and miss out on everything else. i thought i remembered reading this book that said that god redeemed the whole world, not just people.
 anyway so the other different thing was that church was super big - there were like a thousand people there, maybe, and i was thinking wow, i guess there's not really much chance for community when there's this many people and i mentioned it to aunt sam and she said that they did home groups, and i actually thought that was kind of cool so i asked if i could go to hers adn she got all excited and said sure. so the home group met at her house on wednesdays or whatever and i went and it was so awkward and horrible, because we all sat in this circle and then we had to go around and say our names, which was okay i guess, but then before i could even say my name aunt sam put her arm around me and was like, "this is my niece, she is struggling with some real demons and we're just so glad she's here today to feel the spirit of jesus with us." OH MY GOD KILL ME NOW. i turned like bright red and couldn't even look at anybody. anyway we did this bible study and it was even worse somehow. i can't quite remember the chapter and verse but we had chosen this passage from the gospel of john and it was that "i am the way, the truth, and the life" and everyone ended up talking about all the people they'd "saved", like either going door to door or just handing out flyers and stuff. then we spent some time in prayer for people we knew, which again started out okay - like some woman's sister was inthe hospital for some tests and this other lady's daughter had had a miscarriage or whatever so it was good to pray for them, but then aunt sam asked everyone to pray FOR ME and asked for healing and then everyone fracking stuck their hands out and TOUCHED me. and then i got in huge trouble because when they took their hands back i stood up and stormed out, hahaha! i coudl hear everyone just kind of glossing over it but later aunt sam came into my room and asked me why i hadn't accepted the love of jesus from the group, and i was like, "i didn't know everyone was going to TOUCH me, i didn't give anyone permission to do that!" (although i'll admit to you guys that my language was definitely not that polite, heh heh). so she got all huffy and scolded me for swearing, and then said that if i didn't open up i would never be healed and i was like, "healed from what?! from being crazy?" and she turned all red and then walked away, and later uncle cy came in and got all pissy with me for making her cry. i was like, "it's not my fault she's sad that i'm crazy," and he was like, "stop saying that, you're not crazy, you're just confused, you need to let yourself be washed in the blood of jesus and put your fears on the cross with him!" and then...um...well, i hit him.
 wow i can't believe i actually typed that. i would say i'm glad Mom doesn't read this but i think she knows anyway although she hasn't said anything, haha, she's probably proud of me. anyway, it wasn't hard or anything, i just slapped him on the face. both of stood there for a second and i could tell neither of us could quite believe what had just happened! for a second i was positive he would hit me back, but he didn't, he just turned around and walked away. i didn't see him for the rest of the night, and that was okay by me!
 what sucked though was that when he picked me up from school the next day we were driving and i noticed that we weren't driving home so i was like, "where are we going?" and i saw we were going to their church so i was like, "what the hell are we doing here?" and he parked and opened my door. i was like, "i'm not going in there!" and he just reached out and grabbed my arm and fracking dragged me through the door and into the pastor's office! then he left and it was just me and the pastor. i felt really awkward but the pastor kept his door open whicyh was considerate i guess. the pastor's name was terry and he asked me if i had anything weighing on my mind that i would like to share. hahahaha so i just sat there with my arms folded looking at him. he was like, "this is a safe place, you can tell me anything." and i was so sick of everyone telling me this - because i've heard it like forty thousand times in the last year or so - that i just flipped out you guys, i screamed "you know what my problem is? idiots like you and my uncle cyrus. you spend all your time telling me to just nail my problems up next to jesus or give them over to god or whatever, and why? because you don't want to spend two seconds giving me any real advice or healing or whatever. if god made me crazy then i guess i'm going to be crazy forever and everyone had just better fracking accept it, because i already have. i don't have a fracking choice." and to his credit he actually looked really sad when i said that. so i started to soften up a little bit, and i was jsut about to apologize for my language, but then he said, "it breaks my heart to hear you say god made you like that. god would never inflict suffering on you. the fight is difficult but i know personally that the devil can be beaten by prayer and your community and a christian family that loves you."
 hahahahah well that was it for me. i was wearing a long-sleeved shirt, and i nearly tore off the sleeves pulling them up to show him my scars. i was like, "you know what, a$$hole?! the devil didn't do this to me. I did it, okay?! the only devil i know is the one that's sitting in front of me, and the one that's waiting for me in the car, the one that dragged me in here. you're the ones with problems, not me. i didn't ask for this, but this is who i am and i'm the one who has to live like this. don't pray for me - pray for yourselves. pray that you'll come into the understanding that i've come into. pray to be set free from judgement. that's the devil that you're dealing with."
 HAHAHAHAHA his eyes were like dinner plates, i think he thought i was going to sprout horns or something! so i stormed out and i was right, uncle cy was waiting in the car and for god's sakes he'd gone to mcdonalds while i was in there! he had milkshakes for both of us and everything. as we drove away he asked me how it was and i was like, "lordy lordy i've been saved, uncle sah-rus! every single problem ah's ever had done been warshed away in the blood o' jay-sus!" he was so pissed when i said that, he didn't say another word on the way home.
 anyway i got to come home the next day so that was good. mom got me the greatest hat, i'm wearing it in my new profile pic - it just says "jesus christ" on it, hahah. i didn't feel like telling mom the whole story because i knew she would blow her fracking stack and she's been stressed out enough as it is, so i just said that i really didn't want to go back there if we could avoid it so we made an agreement that next time i'll stay with her friend clara who's like this super cool ex-nun, she's awesome. :)
 wow i just looked back over this entry and it's super-intense! i don't want you guys to worry - especially st. jude's folks. i'll balance out this entry with a quick re-cap of my last bible study, which was back at ol' st. jude's. even though sometimes youth group is kinda awkward, that last session was really great, major props to phil for sharing soem super sad news, it was a real honour, dude, i'll keep up the prayers big time for your family back home. the best part though was near the end, reverend iscariot asked if anyone wanted to share anything, and rice was like, "oh, we haven't heard from the new person!" and for like two seconds i was like, "aigh, girl, way to single me out!" but then anna was sitting next to me and she says, "i like you," like really quietly, and i turned to her and then i looked at rice and she just had this big beautiful smile, and she was like, "i like you too!" hahaha and it sounds so weird to say or think about but it made me feel so good, it had been a really long time since i'd had a moment like that, so thanks guys, you made it so much better.
 next time we meet we're going to be working on these crazy masks for a youth-led service we're doing, it's gonna be fun! can't wait...
 so glad to be home.
-'shua

family = @_@

couldn't go to bible study or church last week and it made me le sad. :( i had to go all the way out to golden to visit the grandparents. i was looking forward to having some time alone with them and stuff but then uncle cyrus and aunt samantha came over and it was le suck. those two are so in-your-face hardcore christian. aunt sam tries so hard to pretend to be nice but i hate it. she just spends all her time really sweetly criticizing me, and then uncle cy goes and drags mom into another corner and asks her all these stupid questions about me, like am i taking medicine and how that's so wrong and she should just let the lord go to work in my life and i will be healed, and i must not be praying hard enough and neither is she if i'm still "tormented." yeah uncle cy, thanks, i guess it's all my fault i'm being "tormented by demons" or whatever the frack. ugh he sucks. and all the while aunt sam is like "don't you think you should grow your hair out, you're not going to get any dates looking like that, sweetheart" or like "you're so beautiful but you hide it, why don't you put on some makeup and show off a little?" why don't you leave the goddamn hell alone?! last time we saw them mom actually got into like a huge shouting match with uncle cy, it was kind of funny. they were in the other room but i could still totally hear then, he was like, "those drugs aren't going to fix her brain, the doctors just want your money," and mom's trying to be all nice, and then uncle cy's like, "all she needs is some time with the lord and some faith healing," and mom's like, "oh, that's right, like the faith healing that cured her father of his sleeping around!" and uncle cy just shut right the frack up, HAHAHAHAHA. i started laughing and aunt sam got all tight-lipped. anyway, then mom really let go and just let uncle cy have it and he was all like, "aw, come on, that's not fair..." and mom's like, "neither is you telling me how to raise my child! raise your own kid!" which is funny because my cousin is like seven years older than me and he just ran off to join the army. they were so happy when he did that. god i wanna barf.
anyway, i really wrote this so i could share this cool website i found: http://www.twloha.com/
i think i'll buy a tshirt or something. you should too.
-'shua

so much dumb :p

like the new picture? mom took it after sprucing up the blue in my hair a little.
this week has been so long and horrible. i feel like i barely even had time to pee yesterday! i had to get up super early and head to the clinic to have yet another stupid blood test, and it took so long i was almost late for class. then i got to class and the teacher gave me this huge stinkeye and made me stay after class until i got a chance to show her my doctor's note. she was super bitchy about it and then got mad because i responded to her bitchiness with...erm...snippiness. :p at least i didn't say any bad words this time.
anyway then i had gym. >>>>:( at least today people ignored me. that blonde skank from last week was sick or something so no-one was constantly asking me why i didn't shave my legs. we had basketball, which i usually like, but i was just so low energy i barely even bothered to move.
at lunch some jackass threw an empty juicebox at me as soon as i sat down with my food so i took my lunch back to my locker and sat there until the idiot from my last post walked by, halle-fracking-lujah. he just stood there cackling and asking me who i was taking to the dance. i wanted to stand up and kick him in the nuts but i didn't bother. i just walked away. he ran after me for a little while and finally i just turned around and stared at him. that got him to shut up and walk away. it was kind of funny, because we stood there for a while, and i started to think that maybe he would hit me or something. but instead he turned around and he actually looked nervous! i almost laughed out loud.
anyway joke was on me because i ended up outside in the drizzle by the gym eating my sandwich and shivering.
after lunch i have math class which i hate more than pretty much anything ever, especially 'cause i'm in like "beginner" math or whatever it is - math for dumbasses like me, and for lazy dorks who just make fun of the teacher for an hour. i sit at the back with this cute goth chick who never says a word but seems to like me anyway because she used to sit on the other side of the room but switched and started sitting next to me as soon as i started school here. i kind of like how quiet she is compared to the other primates people in class so i haven't engaged her in any conversation yet. heh, "freaks of a feather".
got tons of homework, should stop writing.
i haven't been back to bible study yet but i'm going again for sure. this weekend i probably can't, i've got an appointment with dr. liz. :p
-'shua